a heartbreak i could have prevented

by Josephine Barr
(lake city, S.C.)

it started with a cook-out across the street. i first saw him and all i could think about was getting to know him. but i guess that he did not notice me. i watched him for minutes and i realized that this is the boy that i am going to be with. weeks later i only knew him by his name. i didn't dare to speak to him at the cook-out. i was thinking about him every day, asking people do they know him? you see, we went to different middle schools so i only got to see him that one time.

i saw him again at the flea market in florence. i still did not utter one word to him. then we hit the high school. i didn't think about him that much even though we go to the same school now. my best friend was his best friend girlfriend. so after school we would find ourselves hanging out. i got to say some words to him. and got to know him a little bit. then i realized that i couldn't stand his guts. me and my best friend got him left by his bus on purpose. i didn't think that i could hate someone as much as i hated him.

but then we started to talk as friends. we started to get along and i could stand to be near him. i started to like him again and at the time i would go the long way to class just to see him and give him a hug. i fell in love instantly. the first kiss was after school while i was waiting on my bus. it was amazing and i didn't mind that i almost missed my bus. i don't know what clicked between us for us to start talking but something happened. every day after that day we would be together hugging and kissing. but then i decided to do something stupid and got put out of school. so i wasn't able to talk to him any more, but on the phone. then one day i told him that i cheated on him. knowing good well that i didn't. i just didn't think that i was good enough for him. i wanted someone who he could be with and to look in her eyes and say i love you. i couldn't give him that. i guess that i just wanted him to hate me. i guess i wasn't use to having someone love me and when it's like that then the world is in balance. i just never expected me to hurt so much.

so 6-7 months later i called him up and told him i lied about cheating. he told me that we can't be that close anymore and that he has a girlfriend and that he is happy. i felt so hurt i cried for days. then he called me back up and told me that he was sorry for what he said. he just wanted me to hurt like how he hurt. then after that we didn't talk except on christmas to say merry christmas. now it's been 3 months since we were back into each others lives. one day i was going into the grocery store and i saw him working there. all i could do was be like damn. really? really? i acted like i didn't see him. but then i felt a tap on my shoulder and i turned around and there he was. smiling at me saying hey. i said hey like i was surprised, then when i left i didn't look back. he wrote me on facebook wanting my number. i gave it to him and i got his. we started back talking on the phone. just casual talk. then one night he asked me how did i feel. and i told him the truth. i was still in love with him. he said he felt the same. the problem is that he got a girl. so day after day. night after night we were on the phone saying how we feel about each other. him telling me he wanted me to have his baby after i told him i would. because even though i know children aren't easy to take care of, just to be with him i would. that would mean always having him in my life even if we don't end up together. he would always want to know how i feel and at times i would put quotes on facebook saying how it hurts me so much to wait. i guess i shouldn't have done that and let my sister talk to him about how much it was hurting him. i never expect him to leave his girlfriend for me because i know that he loves her also.

but then the night that got me crying now was last night 5-29-2011. he told me that he cant keep doing what he doing. he is not being honest. that he does care for me but he is in love with his girlfriend. i was broken. i got out my bed and went into the living room. we talked about 2 hours. he said that he gave his girlfriend a ring that lets her know that he is always going to be there for her. she is going to college. and i'm finishing my senior year from high school too. i am going to the army but was going to wait to be with him until he finished his senor year. not saying i was going to put my life on hold but to still have my life but to be with him also.

but he was in love with her more than me. so i couldn't be mad at him for it. i told him that i couldn't be his friend and not have the whole him. but i can't see myself seeing him and not saying anything to him. so i'd rather be able to say hey then nothing at all. it will not be the same i know that but i'm hoping that one day if that day will be months, or years that we will get to be together again. but if not, then i will know that i was and had someone that any mother would want their son to have. event though i'm the cause to this broken heart. i can't be mad at him. he did what he thought was right for him. and that is to be with the one he truly love. i just wish it was me instead. bur for right now there is nothing that i can do about it at this point. i know it will take a some days maybe even months to get over what happened. but i hope that when i see him i will be able to smile. i know i wont be able to do it now. but one day i'm hoping that i will.

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