Can't Forgive the Past
I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 10 years through school, moving, etc. I am 33 and he is 34. He is a great guy and a good person to others. The last 18 months have been very good and he proposed to me this past May. However, prior to that things were up and down a lot.
The main incident that caused pain occurred in 1999, six months after I met him. His old flame reappeared and they both spent the night together. He never apologized for it and told me about it. He also wanted to still be with me.
I accepted this because I loved him but it felt awful. She however had not left and continued to linger in our relationship for 3 more years, calling periodically when she was lonely or whatever. He was great until she called and then he was awful.
In 2005, he got obsessed with another woman, this time a wife of a friend who was flirting intensely with him and who was his age. We were dating again (we had taken a long break of 6 months or so) and he was always talking about her. Again, she was perfect.
In 2006, he wanted to move in with me after I had helped him a lot, but it did not feel right. I let him stay for a while but then asked him to leave. I helped him like a friend but he was not acting correctly.
In 2007, he helped me when our dog died and he came to my rescue. He has always been there for me these past 10 years whenever I had a problem or was sad or lonely. He always helped. I did not ask for his help but he came and then he wanted to be with me again. I told him that things were different and that I had changed so much since 2005, that I would never settle for less anymore.
He agreed and has worked hard on the relationship since. We've had rough spots but it's been a lot lot better and now there is physical and emotional love in a way that I've never had with him, and it is wonderful.
The present and the future is good and I told him if I met him now it would be great but our past history has been so rocky and I felt like I loved him and was not loved back. It makes me uneasy to think about trusting my future happiness to a relationship with him.
He got very angry a few days ago and took back his apology that he made at the counselor's (we went to a counselor 3 sessions) for cheating, saying that we had an "open relationship" that he did not care, and got very angry about many things about the past, calling me manipulative, abusive, controlling, a lot of bad words.
It was awful. He hung up the phone on me and I have not heard from him since Monday.
What do you suggest? Thank you.How to really get to know the person you are dating