Future Mother-in-Law Hates Me, Why?

by Julie
(KS)

My future mother-in-law hates me. I am going to explain this the best I can:


I have known my future Husband (B) for 8 years, we have been the best of friends all this time. He proposed to me on Christmas Day of last year & we moved in together in mid January. He has a 9 year old Daughter (E) whom I adore, & she seems to love me & trust me, due to the fact that she's already calling me Mom.

My problem is his mother & brother are having a hard time accepting me. They barely know me & are already making assumptions & judgments towards me. For example, his Mother (M), who keeps E during the weekdays (doesn't have custody) tries to keep B (has custody) from having his Daughter over the weekends or on non-school days because she (M) doesn't trust me.

She tells B that I'm not a good influence on E, & doesn't think that E should be around me at all. She refuses to get to know me by avoiding any chance to talk to me. When B goes to pick up his daughter, his mom requests that he comes alone, & then tries to talk him out of taking E to our apartment because I'm there.

She even made arrangements for E to go to one of her (M's) friends house over spring break, just so E wouldn't be near me. And didn't even talk to B about it. And when B said that we're going to have E for good once school is out, his mother threw a fit & refuses to have it that way.

She is trying to be Mom when she's Grandma & is trying to control B's life & how he raises E. She has the attitude that B should be alone, live with her, so she can raise E. It doesn't matter who B's with, M won't like them & wont try to (she even talks bad about me behind my back to her friends & to B).

His brother even asked B to get a vasectomy so he & I don't have children together, that hurt...& was mad because I went w/ B to his Grandmother's funeral & he refused to talk to B. There's more to it, but I'll stop here.

I feel like such an outsider, I have done nothing wrong & have been respectful to M & nice to her, but she refuses to get to know me. It really hurts. B wants to keep E away from M because he doesn't want E to be used as a Pawn by M, and until she can accept the fact that she's Grandma & not Mom, & should let go. What should I/We do?

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Apr 05, 2009
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Re: Mother-in-Law Hates Me
by: Anonymous

I had a mother in law just like that. My husband and I dated for 5 year before we were married. We were best friends. She was real good at two sided comments. I always felt like cring by the time we left. Husband would alway act like I would just take it wrong. She would always try to turn the knife before I left. When we had a child she tried to be controling. Then my husbands sister got married her husband became the bad guy. Then I got to really hear what sweet mother in law was capable of coming out with. Anyway I was so glad when they said they were having a baby because I knew she would focus on there child. She took her matress to there house and moved in when the baby was born. When husbands sister went back to work mother in law took total control of the child and wouldn't let the father touch it. This father was a wonderful person. They were having real problems and heading for trouble. Again his sister would not stand up to his mom. Thats when my husband steped up. I think he was just hopeing it would all go away with me. He loves his mom. And I would never ask him to choose and he knew that. My husband took his Sister a side. Told her what we went through. Asked her to sent dear mother in law home. Mother in law is a great Grandma. She did get to help with the grandchildren. When husbands brother got married she didn't like his wonderful wife eather. I don't think my mother in law ever learned to share. I felt she was always planing the devorce before it happened. Always felt like I had to watch my back or she would try to say I was a bad mom. My husband and I are great friends. We dont fight much but most of the fights we had was over his mom. He had trouble standing up to her. We have been married 23 years now. Kids all grown up. I keep it pleasent with dear mother in law. I think she lost out. All those years we could have been great friends. I could have been like a daughter to her Making wonderful memorys. And when we are gone isnt it all about memorys? This is not something you can fix. Your boyfriend/husband has to learn to stand up to his mother. It sounds like she is a big part of her grandchilds life. And what shes doing can drive her family away. Be careful if you ask him to choose you might end up being the bad guy. I think your boyfriend can be a good son and husband. He just needs to step up to the plate and communicate with his mom. He is the the only one that can fix this. Good luck and God bless.

Apr 04, 2009
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roads
by: Anonymous

Life can have many turns in the road, pot holes, slides and icy spots. It is good to be the driver but often we find it much easier if we have a co-pilot or a navigator, soon your road is much easier to travel, and runs smoother. Life has many obstacles.

It hurts to have others mistreat you, even more so when you try so hard to be liked. I am deeply sorry for your pain. I wish there was a simple answer to your suffering. I don't know if you are a spiritual person. Perhaps now is a good time to become one.

There may be a better driver. If you ask him for help and explain your road, he may find a better route for you to travel in the road of life.

My prayers are with you.

Apr 03, 2009
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monster-in-law
by: Anonymous

If I've learned anything at all these past 7 years that my mother-in-law has hated me, it is to get past the hurt feelings and ignore her. It's not personal like you said, she doesn't even know you. It's extremely difficult to not get your feelings hurt, but you have to move on.

Unfortunately, if you love B and want to spend the rest of your life with him, you will have to deal with her. It is so liberating to be free from my mother-in-law, but the only thing that has changed is my perspective. Somehow everything is much easier now, I actually like her!

I wish you and your new family the best of luck! People can't hurt you unless you let them!

Apr 03, 2009
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Crazy( pray)
by: Anonymous

I've experienced a mother like that. I don't care if you were a pastor of a church, she will always have a problem with you. So just pray for her and encourage your fiance to take a stand and take care of his own daughter and set boundaries with his mom.

I got out of the relationship I had with my ex because of his mom and the fact that he didn't think nothing was wrong with what she was doing. So it's good that your fiance sees that's not right.

Just pray for her and keep it moving. You're marrying him, not his family. If they want to spread that hate whatever, don't ever let them know they are getting to you, and still treat them with love.

God Bless you, and be happy you're getting married!

Apr 03, 2009
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Grandma needs to butt out
by: Anonymous

Mom (grandma) is way overstepping her boundaries. As you said, she's the grandmother, not the mother. B needs to tell Mom she's out of line and needs to take a step back. She's already done her job as a mother, now she needs to let B do his job as a father. If his daughter gets along with you, what more does she want? She's jealous and overprotective in a hurtful way. She's only going to drive both her son and grandaughter away if she continues with that behavior. Don't let it get to you and don't let it drive a wedge between you and B.

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