Girlfriend with Trust Issues

by Rick
(Escondido)

My name is Rick and I have a girlfriend with trust issues. I have been dating my girlfriend for about 2.5 years. I am 26, she is 22. We met on Myspace and talked for almost a year before we tried a date. We talked about common interests and what we wanted in the future.


I knew she had trust issues going into the relationship. Her boyfriend in high school, who she dated for 2 years, cheated on her after her
senior prom with her sister. I had no interest in her sister and even less, after hearing that, so this is not a problem from my end in our relationship.

I was living with mother (I came home form college to help out with business issues at her request.) Last summer, my mom became ill. We fought for months to get her to go to a doctor and when she finally did, we found that she had terminal cancer. I made it my main priority to make her comfortable and to be there for her. My girlfriend did too.

One night, I dropped my girlfriend off at her house and headed for home. A girl I know who was friends with my mom (like family) texted me and asked me what was going on with my mom because she had heard rumors. I stopped by her house
where I was greeted by her and her husband and told them them the news. I was there for about 5-10 minutes and then left.

That was the worst mistake of my life apparently. My girlfriend was at my house the next night and started looking through my phone. I was going to tell her about it, but hadn't had the chance. I was too preoccupied with helping my mother.

I promised her that nothing happened with this girl or ever would. This was around November of last year. My mom died on Christmas Eve last year.

Right after my mom's funeral, my girlfriend told me that she has trust issues with all men because she was raped, once when she was eleven and again, a couple of months before we got together.
She said I was the only one she told and I was not to tell anyone. All of a sudden that became the reason for every issue she has.


I have told her that trust is the number one issue in a relationship and if she didn't trust me, then it wouldn't work out. This just caused hysterical crying. She said that if I broke up with her, she would have no reason to live and would kill herself.

Well, living with threats of suicide is not what I am looking for in someone to get married to and raise a family with. It would always be in the back of my mind that she felt that way and would be quick to make assumptions.

Now, after everything I say I am going to do, I have to promise and swear ... literally, everything I do, whether it's going to work.... going to bed, etc. I have to promise her that is what I am really doing. It all goes back to the night that I stopped to give that girl information about my mom.


I want out of this relationship and I don't
know how to do this because I don't want to hurt her or me for that fact. I have asked other people's opinions and they say that she sounds like one of those people who say if I can't have him, no one can.

Please give me some advice. Thank you for reading this!


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Aug 08, 2010
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break up with her
by: Anonymous

I had similar things happen to me in my relationships and I would act very much the same. But then the guy broke up with me after 4 years and I had to take a real look at myself and I had to change.

I'm a completely different now because I realized I lost one of the best guys ever just because I couldn't let go enough and let things go where they were gonna go and not try to control the situation so I didn't get hurt. I learned my lesson and now I'm in a healthy relationship and I don't do that stuff no more.

You have to have your own life and the person you're with has to have their own life and you have to trust one and another are gonna do the right thing or you will never be happy. It will be hard but just hang through it and it will get better.

Jul 05, 2009
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Dont let her go!
by: Anonymous

All women who have ever been cheated on end up with trust issues. I don't trust half the men I date because almost every time I fall for the guy, he cheats on me.

Your girlfriend has reason not to trust men in general. Hold onto her, she may seem hesitant but all women who go through that are hesitant. She sounds like a good woman. Don't let her issues get between the two of you.

Jul 01, 2009
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Don't Ditch
by: Anonymous

Please don't ditch her because she loves you a lot and you are lucky. Don't expect more from anyone because love is a gift of God. She is the perfect one for you. Love the person who loves you. Take care and may God bless you.

Jun 30, 2009
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Life is Just Too Short
by: Abagail

First off, I'm really sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my dad at Christmas last year and mom died 28 days later, so I understand.

I read everything you said and honestly, you're right, it will never work without trust. I want to keep it simple and just suggest you be strong and of great courage and tell her the truth, whether that means you write her and disappear for a few months till she 'gets over it' for lack of a better term (cut off all communication after the final goodbye talk).

Or face-to-face tell her in a kind and loving way, but stay firm and stay strong. She will want to give you a whole bunch of "if you don't leave me, I will promise I will ....etc."

You don't even know if what she was telling you about being raped was true, as sad as it is, I know girls who tell their boyfriends all kind of things to "control" them. Or as excuses for why they are the way they are or why they did what they did. So you don't really know.

I'm usually suspicious when I hear the "promise not to tell anyone" stories.
You see, I have been through this, and when you are "emotionally and mentally healed" you don't say that. You understand that it wasn't your fault and you don't care who might happen to know or find out. It happened to me, but I didn't ask for it!

So obviously, IF that is even true, she needs some help, but you're not even "qualified" to "help" her in this instance. She needs a professional.

Most people who threaten suicide would NEVER do it. However, if she does threaten it, you should call the proper authorities and tell them she has threatened to hurt herself. And they will deal with it.

THAT IS the best thing you could do regardless of how harsh it may sound. If it saves her life who cares how harsh it is. She's the one with the problem, and better she go through that than commit suicide.

I am ashamed to say I did that once, and I did it because I used to be a control freak, when I felt like I was losing control, it was always a good one to throw up, because the guy may have not wanted to be with me, but he didn't want me dead. So he would stay.

Eventually, he just left and never came back, but he called and said why, and all my attempts to control didn't work anymore. I broke down, hurt terribly for a few months, then it got easier and life went on.

Now, I realize my fault in that relationship and guard against doing something like that again. I believe the next relationship will be MUCH healthier because I am.

I wish you strength and courage to do the right thing here. Life's too short to pretend.

Peace to you,

Abagail

Jun 30, 2009
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Healing is a process
by: Anonymous

Hello, first off I wanna say that you are in need of some serious advice and your predicament is pretty difficult. The one thing I can advise you of is to have a talk with your troubled girlfriend and tell her how you feel and that you do care for her so much, but you can't be forced to stay with someone who threatens to kill herself. (That's not considered real love, but dependency.)

Tell her that if she really does care for you, she will let you leave and you can still be friends and you will be there for her no matter what if she needs someone to talk to. Tell her that if she ever wants to have a healthy relationship with someone, she will have to let go of all those trust and insecurity issues before she can ever make someone or herself happy. That's just reality.

I also think you should maybe go to some couple counseling. Maybe that will open up her eyes in seeing the process of healing and maybe she will learn to love herself a little bit more.

If you don't love her anymore, that's something you cannot force and in the long run, it will be dangerous to stay and you both will be miserable and that's not right.

My best advice is to talk to her in a calm ,nice manner and if anything do it in a place where there aren't any sharp objects around if you get my drift. Either way, I hope you both get what you want in a good way.

I hope your girl gets the help and healing that she needs in her soul. One good way to do it is to seek God for answers to pain and letting go of bad experiences. I wish you the best.

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