He will never fall for me
by Violet Wilson
All that changed when he went to a different school. He grew taller, he grew "cooler" so to speak and soon he began to distance himself from me. During that time I fought hard to keep our friendship. I'd ask him, "How`s school?" and endure his endless chatter about school sluts and knives and gory movies because I didn't want the old him to die out completely. After a few months, we were back to being friends and I couldn't ask for anything more. Though we didn't play scrabble or zombie or Nerf wars anymore, I didn't care cause I knew that the old him wasn't dead yet. After that period of time, I became more rebellious and all I could think about was having my own way. My parents were at their wit's end because they didn't understand me or knew what I was thinking. During this time, I slowly began to rely more and more on my friend and soon we were really close and we could talk to each other about anything. Then while we were at a party, our friend, Ted, remarked that we were siblings. My friend and I were taken aback but we liked the idea and went along pretending. Later that night I casually remarked to my friend that we might as well be siblings since we were so close. He heartily agreed. Thus began our best-friendship. Our parents certainly did not approve since they believed that the opposite gender can't be best friends. This made us fight harder and soon we were sneaking out and swearing to be best friends forever. What made things so simple was that we didn't like each other at all so we could do anything we like without the threat of teenage drama getting between us. We grew closer and closer and soon people assumed we were dating and my parents banned me from seeing him. We texted 24/7 and once we talked till' 3am and our voices were slurred. We considered exchanging blood and told each other what what each other would inherit would get if we were to die. We even wrote a list of things we should do together and he promised to take a year off of college so we could do it. I was so stupid. We would also hug every time we saw each other and we swore that we were the best of each others' best friends and the whole world is wrong about our friendship being wrong. He would buy me drinks and give me his jacket and support me when I was feeling down. I was elated thinking that I finally caught a glimpse of the old him and that this would never end... Stupid me. Our youth group was holding a retreat and from the beginning we promised that we would hang out together, sit together, sneak out at night together, and do everything together. But a week before the retreat, I could feel him getting harsher and more distant. That night, I cried and screamed my heart out because I could sense that this was coming to an end and that the old him was dying. But I was foolish and I held on to the hope that at the retreat we would go back to normal. Just the opposite happened. He started avoiding me and wouldn't look me in the eye. I was already depressed for three months and I was just recovering but this shoved me off of balance. I couldn't eat or sleep or function at all. The second day of the retreat he asked to talk to me and he told me that he would always care for me as a person but we can't be BFFs anymore since we were too close. Smile now cry later was exactly what i did. I pretended that it was all cool and I told him he was right ('cause he was). I really admired him that he had the strength to do it 'cause I didn't even when I knew this friendship wouldn't work out. The next morning I was inconsolable. I couldn't listen to what the pastor was saying and I didn't care. My friend was still avoiding me and it hurt like hell. When I got home, I fell into deep depressing and started cutting again. I was so confused and I didn't know what to do. Later my friends told me that he really cared for me and would check my status messages and check up on the music I listen to, to make sure I'm not depressed. But I couldn't get my head around it since he was still avoiding me and acting like our friendship didn't mean anything. I lost about 15 pounds and I couldn't get myself off my bed anymore. I didn't care. After two weeks, I was starting to function again and I went to youth group and later we hung out as if nothing had happened. I was cool with it and I liked how there was no drama and this went on for about two weeks. Then I started missing him like crazy and it felt like my heart was ripping into two. I was so confused since I thought I got over it, but it didn't stop. The breaking point was the school field trip I went to yesterday. I was planning to enjoy it after cooping myself in my room and I was enjoying it until he arrived. Like a stake driven up my heart, I couldn't breathe but I pretended to be alright. He was ignoring me again and was hanging out with some of his other friends. Seeing him talk with the others as if I meant nothing and all we went through was nothing just scraped my heart out raw. Watching him talk with others and open up to others the way he used to with me shredded my soul and I couldn't take it anymore. I left early and locked myself in my room. I feel myself slowly falling for him and I can't believe it. After all he did to me and now I betray myself by liking him?! I couldn't believe it and tried to squash my feelings down. But I can't deny it anymore. He still hurts me with what he says and does and my heart is still not healed by what he said about me being a bad influence on him. But I can't stop. I know that he will never love me because we swore we would never like each other. I know that I will always hurt when I hear him talk about his latest crush. I know I will always hurt whenever he talks or ignores me. But I can't do anything anymore. I tried so hard to do it my way for the past years of my life but it never worked. I can only throw the dice and see where it lands... Only now can I see how much I truly loved him, but now it's too late. I'm moving in a few months and I'll probably never see him again. It's too late... Click here to read or post comments. |