How Can I Heal Myself?
by Eiram Assyla
How Can I Heal Myself?
It has been more than a year since I met him, but I can't seem to get over him.
It was just one ordinary afternoon when I attended a meeting of an organization that I had just joined in school. There I saw Nowell, the newly elected president of the organization. At first, I was so pissed off with him because he did a lot of nonsense things while presiding over the meeting. That’s why it took an hour yet we were not able to settle on the planned activity.
I wasn’t attracted to him at that first meeting. He didn’t even get my interest. That time, I was so conceited that I joked in my mind "I’ll make this guy fall for me."
Then, I met Vill, a friend of Nowell. He was so cute and I wanted to become closer with him. One night, unexpectedly, Nowell e-mailed me and wanted to know if I could join an activity for the organization. I almost jumped for joy! I saw this as an opportunity for me to get closer with Vill.
I agreed with Nowell. We chatted that night, talking about everything under the sun. I enjoyed chatting with him until dawn and I wasn’t even aware of it. The chatting continued night after night.
I met with Nowell at the office to talk about the activity. Instead of joining, I volunteered myself to be the coordinator and he agreed. One day, while we were walking on our way to school, we met Vill. I had been waiting for that day to come! But something was wrong. I wasn’t excited at all when I saw him again. It was just a normal reaction from me. I didn’t even bother to talk with him. When he was gone, I realized it was so strange.
Days passed and I continued my communication with Nowell. We became close, talked about nonsense, ideas, jokes, and experiences. The other members of the organization had been teasing us, but we just smiled at them. Every time my phone beeps, I feel so excited. He asked me for a date but I declined because I wasn’t sure if he was serious or joking again. He asked me out three times but again, I refused because of private reasons. I didn’t bother to explain because he never asked me why.
One day, I realized I had fallen in love with him. But it was too late. He suddenly stopped chatting with me. He even ignored me at times. I was so taken aback that I couldn’t think of any reason why all of a sudden, without any warnings, he was cold to me.
I was so hurt. I wanted to ask him but I was scared that he might tell me there was nothing really special about us.
For the first time, I cried because of a guy. I felt like I was in hell. My friends wondered what was happening to me. I told them my story and to my surprise, they blamed me for what had happened. They said I was too numb. They couldn’t say if I was innocent or just really stupid.
Nowell had given me so many signs of interest, yet I wasn’t able to feel it. I had felt it at first, yet I was in doubt and just ignored it, thinking he was just a sweet guy.
Now, every time I see him, I can’t control my emotions. My heart beats so fast, and my whole body trembles. I thought I had forgotten my feelings for him during the long time that we didn’t see each other.
I couldn’t help but feel so stupid for feeling like this when, in fact, he was never even mine! When I’m alone, I come to ask if I was able to make a mark in his life. Did he ever feel something special for me?
If there’s one thing I want to erase from my memory, it is the day when I met him. Yes, he made a big change in my life, he brought so much joy, yet he was the reason for my suffering then and now.
From the moment I met him, he changed me, and now, I’ll never be the same again.
What do you think of my story? Is it reasonable for me to feel bitter? Was it really my fault? How can I ever forget him? How can I get over the feelings that I have for him?
It seems so unfair that I am still hurting, while he isn't ... what can I do? How can I heal myself?