is it just me...

by mistie
(dearborn heights mich)

i am not good at explaining a question cuz to have someone answer it they kinda need to understand what is going on. but i will try to make it short and to the point..

i don't know what is going on with me and my boyfriend. i know we went too fast. we have been together for almost a year and the whole time, we lived together. i am 24 years old and have a 5-year old son. my son is staying with my mom where i used to live. i see my son all the time i just don't want to move him out of where he has been living his whole life until i know for sure this can work. i don't have a issue with that. my mom said even if this doesn't work out, i get to learn to live on my own and grow to the point where i understand the things she has been doing for me and my son. there is no dad, and i've never had a real job cuz she was working at all hours and told me i couldn't work cuz someone had to be with my son. she didn't want to pay someone to watch him. because it would equal out the same cuz i can't get a good job. so i would be working to pay for a babysitter. so i stayed home that is how she wanted it. but i do work for her a few hours a night cleaning a building. it's her own business. but she has other jobs too.
anyways, before i moved in with my boyfriend, i told him everything and told him if he wanted me to move in and meet my son he would have to be ready to take it all on. i explained i had no problem just having fun. i could still live with him but he didn't have to meet my son. i was okay with that. but he assured me he wanted to be a part of my whole life. again i told him that he had to be sure about that cuz it is involving a young boy who has never seen me with a guy.(i didn't date or go out.) well he lost his driver's license before i met him. and i was using my moms car. this he knew. so i have been here almost a year and we have no way around. he works and his friend from work comes and gets him. so i couldn't work not even with my mom. she didn't want to drive 20 miles to get me. so about a month ago my mom loaned me money for a car. i have to go to work for her a few nights a week and i only get gas money, but that's how i am paying off the car. and now i can take my boyfriend places. but it seems that he doesn't care for me that much anymore. i have talked to him and opened up, but when i talk no matter what i say he really doesn't say anything back besides, a short answer like i love you and really care for you and i don't want you to leave. but when my son comes over for the weekend my boyfriend tells me that he isn't allowed to watch cartoons in the living room. so my son plays in his room here and i go in there to spend time with him cuz my son likes to play with cartoons in the background. and when he plays in the living room he cant make too much noise. and i want my son to enjoy himself so i just go in his room. my boyfriend dennis is older than me; he is 36. and when i go in my son's room too long, dennis acts a little mad. but when i hang out with him, he won't talk only if it has a point behind it. (no small talk talk or pointless talking) he has a work phone and now he tells me he can't really call me even when i go to work (which is night time when he is home from work). he calls me when he gets to work at 6 am for about 30-60 sec to let me know he made it. he says this is cuz work pays for it, they are getting upset cuz he is using so many minutes. but i don't understand. he only uses it for work which is why they gave it to him and he swears he isn't talking to anyone else and he only talks to me for a min a day. so how can work be upset about the minutes? i know after a while things die down, and i think maybe he doesn't want to be mean and kick me out. but there are times i cant take it and i am about to leave and get my stuff but he stops me and at that point, i believe he wants to make it work. and he can act great for a days or so then go back to the way he was. he wants me to always rub his back or something. but he doesn't touch me sweetly like that or play with my hair or even attend to my needs anymore. even with sex it's over before a show comes back on. and sometimes he wants foreplay but again he won't try to attend to my needs. even if i am almost there, he stops when he is done. i try not to get mad cuz sometimes a guy can't hold it or continue after. but i do know he could try in a different way.

he used to worry about me. and i have tried to talk to him. but when it's over with and i try to even say how great he was or how it felt, he says it makes him uncomfortable. and that's when i try to talk him up. cuz i do love it. i just wish i could atleast finish here and then. and we only do that 1-2 times a week. so i though to myself if we did it more then maybe he could hold it or something. so i thought maybe we don't that much cuz he think maybe i dont want to. so i let him know i do enjoy it. and to be honest no lie cuz i really want to understand what's going on, but i was still being the sweet girlfriend. doing things for him, rubbing his back or feet through a whole movie, anything you can think of. and he acted like it was nothing. as things got worse, i started to stop doing so much. but i only started to worry more about me after it got this bad. so i don't think that would be the cause.

i want it to work, but i am losing faith. i know he is stressed with work, but there isn't nothing to do about it. he looks down on me i think cuz i don't bring home money. but i had no money and no way around to a job when i first moved in. it was my girlfriend who needed the place to stay. i had nothing to do with it. and that's how i kinda moved in cuz i was here every night to hang with my friend and whenever i wanted to go home, dennis begged me to stay. so at first i was using her car to go to work. then he kicked her out, understanding i would lose the chance to use her car. but he kicked her out cuz she didn't like dennis and i dating. i told him not to, but he did. by then i was living here and no more car. but now i have one. but he isn't happy that i work for my mom. i don't know why, atleast we have a car--no more cabs to the store. and it didn't cost him anything. i make 25 a night for a 2-hour job. plus my mom needs the help because she can't work her other job and then go clean. so not only am i paying off the car, but i am helping my mom who is talking care of my son. she is paying $500 a month for him to be in a good school for 3 hours a day. and she doesn't ask me for a dime. she pays for everything for him like she did from the day he was born. so the least i could do is help in some way. he is my son i should be paying. so i do so in whatever way I can help her out. she needs that income from cleaning buildings. and instead of hiring a stranger who could steal and then she would lose the job cleaning at the building. i am helping. the thing is someone did steal from there but she didn't lose the job. but if it happens again i am sure she will. but it even seems like he is ungrateful that my mom got me the car. he wants to see his mom every weekend and will have me take him there and all he does is work for her like washing her car, etc. but his mom didn't help us when needed it. we went months with no car and his mom wouldn't even come here to see him or pick him up. and he wants me to treat my mom like shit and his like a goddess. his mom wouldn't even loan money to him for him to pay off his license to get it back. he had to save up for 7 months or longer. he is older and you would think he would respect my mom for all she is doing. he knows he can't afford my son to live here. he just makes it paycheck to paycheck. my mom doesn't even try to get us to visit. she knows we have a life of our own and if she wanted to talk, we can on the phone. to go to his moms, it's about 18 miles. to my moms, its 20 miles. plus i only get my son on the weekends cuz of school. and it's late fri, and sat we go to his moms all day and my son goes off and plays with his sister's 5-year old girl. so i get no time with him then. and he goes home sunday at 5-6 pm. i don't mind sometimes but every weekend, we go. and if i say i can drop him off, he gets mad and says you just don't like my mom. but yet when i ask him to go to my moms just to pick up my son, he won't. he needs a nap or he has to work or whatever he can come up with. i know it's not true about about. he acts like he has to work all the time when he is home. he only makes $500 a week. so i don't believe they can make him work all night on the phone or on the computer or staying late. it's not like he hides in a room. he sits next to me in the living room. but still i think he just makes me think that he is so important at his job. so when he needs to, he can have it as a excuse.
anyways, i am so sorry it's long. i just wanted you to understand the history a little. and see what you think about the whole thing? please write back.

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