Is This Love?

I was really hurt by an ex last year when I found out he cheated on me and my pride and confidence was extremely affected as we were about to move in together and there was talk of marriage.

After the break up I moved back in with my sick mother and looked after her (she is bipolar). I was in the hospital last year for an intentional overdose and have also been diagnosed with depression.

When I was in the hospital, my ex (then my boyfriend) broke up with me, but I begged him not to as I loved him so much. Our relationship seemed to recover after that. We went on holiday together and everything seemed to get better but I am sure that cheating was a way of getting out of the relationship.

In October last year, I went on a date with a guy I had known from work for a while. Our first date lasted 48 hours and we have been together ever since. He is six years older than me (28) which means he is a lot more mature than my ex (24).

Looking after my mum took its toll on me though and to get me away from that situation my boyfriend asked me to move in to his studio flat. We have been together for 9 months now and I have never been happier, Even though we have both been made redundant and we only live in a studio we rarely fight (although we did a lot to begin with as we moved too quickly but living so far apart and me not having any money meant there wasn't much choice).

He has been my rock. He knows about my depression and we bonded because we are both on anti-depressants and are able to support each other. We have both grown and developed so much since we met. On paper we looked like we were bound to fail! But He has given up smoking and I don't drink nearly as much as I did and for the first time we are happy and feel we can tackle our individual issues because of each others' support.

When my father died earlier this year my boyfriend was so supportive even when I was horrible to him because he understood why I was acting the way I was and was able to put his pride aside for me. I have never been loved like that. It feels amazing.

However living together has meant that our relationship has become quite unexciting. Part of me is relieved that there is no drama all the time (my ex and I fought ALL the time). But part of me misses the butterfly feeling, etc. I am so confused because I am happier than ever but I wonder if I am really in love? Or could it just be that when you spend 24 hours a day together that you don't have the opportunity to miss each other, so love isn't as obvious.

I am sorry this is so long-winded but I want you to know everything so that I can have a real answer. I am also really worried because I always seem to talk about my ex and what he did to me and always check his Facebook, but I don't want to be back with him. I almost want bad things to happen to him and I want him to miss me. That sounds really immature and maybe I am in some ways.

My boyfriend and I are now talking of moving into a bigger place but I am scared. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to make such a big commitment if I'm not sure how I feel! He is so sure I am the one, but I am not. The age difference is good because I am more mature than boys my age, but I also feel that six years is a big difference when it comes to making commitments like this.

I am so confused. I really do love my boyfriend and I am happy. I just have some concerns and am not sure what to do. Sometimes I think I am in love but maybe because I have never had a peaceful relationship, I am confusing peace with boredom, as my life is always so dramatic.

Please please help me. I am so confused and I don't want to hurt anyone but I also want to do what's best for me.

Thank you so much.


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