My Bestfriend
by Marissa Kaitlyn
I have a lot of best friends. I don''t believe in having only one; how can you choose just one favorite friend? of course, I am closer to some than others, but still. One of my best friends is Jacob. I remember, when we were in elementary school he was new on my bus. I take 2 buses to get to my school, and he was on the first. He went to a different school than I. After a while, he started to fit in with our crowd. He soon became the life of the party, and we found that he was pretty funny. I had fallen in love with another boy on my bus, Simon. He too, was funny, and my whole world revolved around him... Until he started going out with one of my closer friends. I became depressed, and after a near-death experience, I began to slowly start picking up the pieces of my damaged heart that Simon left me with. Of course, through trial and error, I found out that the way I tried to get over him was not the right way. I would purposely annoy him and such, until he hated me. It worked, but the effect I thought it would have did not turn out the way I thought. Yes, he hated me, but... Now, I was in love with him, AND he didn't even want to talk to me. I started to ignore Simon, and I found that helped. Jacob used to sit with Simon on our bus. The duo were very entertaining together, that much I can't deny. They sat in the seat across from me, so I got to socialize with them a lot. It wasn't until almost a month later that I realized I was almost over Simon- and that I had started to fall for Jacob. Over time, Jacob did discover the feelings I had for him as they got stronger. I didn't even think about possibilities; I had no dating experience, and was often not exactly perceived as 'beautiful'. I remembered after that he had a girlfriend already- something I had not taken into account. But I dealt with it. It didn't seem to matter at the time. As time went on, we became good friends. I got his phone number, and I would call him often and we would talk on the phone for hours. We really have a lot in common. Soon, he was calling me too, and my parents knew that when the phone rang at 4:30 when I walked into the door, it was most likely Jacob. We got really close. I fell even MORE in love with him, which was very new to me. I had fallen for Simon pretty hard, yes, but I never trusted him this much. At first I was elated. My crush; my one and only, was now my best friend. I trusted him more than everyone else, and I had more fun with him than lots of others. But then, when I would walk to my bus stop every day, he would be standing there, holding his girlfriend in his arms. At first I thought it wouldn't last. They never seemed to last at this age. But when I tentatively asked Jacob about it, he revealed that they had been going out for just over 3 years. huh. The more I found out about him, the more I fell in love with him. Also, the more I saw him with his girlfriend, the more hurt I would get. I used to lock my negative feelings away in a drawer when I was around him. The last thing I wanted was for him to get hurt. When he hurts, I hurt. It was a general rule. But then it started to get worse. I started to cut myself, and i didn't see why he didn't want me. I noticed that his relationship was not a relationship at all; but a hello and goodbye while we waited. They never even talked. It pissed me off to a great degree. I could give him so much more. But I rarely said anything to Jacob about it. I didn't want him to know how much it hurt me- my general rule was his too. What hurts me, hurts him. By June, near the end of the school year, I couldn't take it anymore. I spent most of my bus rides gazing out the window, and being unresponsive when people would try to talk to me. Sometimes I would cry. Jacob was really concerned. He would ask me about it everyday, and everyday I would say I didn't want to talk about it. The only one on my bus that knew everything that was going on in my head when it came to Jacob was Taylor. I would talk to her at school about what was going on. I told her everything. One day, I went home and everything was different for some reason. I was feeling particularly... suicidal. I screamed my lungs out, and cried until my eyes were dry. No one was home. I punched the wall so many times that my knuckles were cut and bruised. I was afraid of doing something reckless, so I called Taylor. "I'll take care of it," she said. "He needs to know what's going on, you can't hide it any longer." I sobbed an "okay- thank you - so much - thanks" and she disconnected the phone. Little did I know what her plan of 'taking care of it' was. She contacted Jacob with the wonderful world of Facebook, and he called me. I made the mistake of answering it. "What's wrong? Marissa be honest with me." He said to me. I wound up telling him everything, stopping every now and then to say "I don't know what to do!" or "Help me!!" I felt really bad after. He pretty much just said " I don't know what to say" the whole time. I thought I heard sniffling in the background, but I couldn't be sure. To end it, Jacob admitted he had feelings for me as well, but he was unsure of what to be done. He still loved his girlfriend, sure, but he wanted a RELATIONSHIP. However, he doesn't want to let her go. Things are pretty much still the same today, however I feel better knowing that he knows how I feel; pushing aside the guilt. And I'm glad i got a sneak peek into what he thought of me as well. I don't hurt as much now, but.. I'm still hurting, and I'm still waiting for my best friend to come around. |