My Sad Story

by Kunageiswari
(Malaysia)

It's true that life is a vicious circle and that everything repeats. It seems that my life can never be simple. It always has to be complicated. At first, I thought that after he gets a net connection, we would chat more, but it's just the opposite. Earlier, he remembered me once in a while, but now he doesn't have any time for me. He spends all his time talking to his old friends who he hasn't talked to in years. It's like he has too many friends now and I am forgotten in a crowd of his friends.

Now I am even doubting the relationship we have. What sort of a boyfriend would forget his girlfriend? Every time I was talking to him, it felt like I was forcing him while he was chatting with the others very readily. And after seeing this, I did the only thing I could - stop going online.

At first, I thought maybe he would miss me and mess me, but it never happened. All I got was more and more pain. It's been 4 days and am dying to talk to him or see his picture at least.

Yesterday, a friend asked me why I was doing this and I had no answer because i was not sure myself. Because maybe the answer was too painful to bear. Maybe I wanted to punish myself for everything.

I don't know what I really want anymore. I just wish I could stop loving him. I wish I could change everything.

Once I thought I might be satisfied that we are talking for the time being. But what if after a few years he comes and tells me that he is marrying another girl. What then? What will I do?

I don't think I will be able to take it. What will I do when I find out that after years of waiting, he still won't be mine. I will certainly die. If the thought is so painful, what will happen when it actually happens?

I simply love him, hate him and miss him, all at the same time. Maybe I hated him because he needed me but he wasn't able to fulfill my expectations. Or may be I hate myself...I don't know what i am saying. I wish I could rest in peace. At least there wouldn't be anyone to love, to care or to think about. Maybe then I would be happy.

Kunageiswari