Relationship Breakup - How to Get Over the Break Up of a Love Relationship

The most common request for love advice is about how to move on after a relationship has ended. Those who write me are in pain and disbelief that a relationship they believed in has ended abruptly. Their break up was one-sided and came as a total surprise.

Here's a relationship breakup question from Kaitlyn:

Okay, I went out with this guy for four months and I thought everything was perfect. I thought I was already in love. After almost four months, his ex started calling him and telling him how much she loved and missed him and said she wanted him back. He promised me that he would NEVER go back to her and that he loved only me and that he would never leave me. Well, a couple weeks later, he broke up with me! He said he didn't love me anymore and he felt better being single. I begged him for another chance but he said no. So, about one week later he calls me and tells me that he is gonna go back out with his ex. i couldnt believe this! I thought I was in love and I had it ripped away from me! I see him all the time and it's really hard to see him and her together—the pain is unbearable. My friends say that I can do better but I dont want to. I dont want to date anymore because its not worth the pain. I have been hurt soo many times in my life and this is just too much! How can I get over this? I need help because i need a way for this pain to end and the tears to stop!! PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE!!

Signed,
Kaitlyn

Relationship Breakup Answer:

Dear Kaitlyn,

First, I want to acknowledge your courage for writing in and sharing your story. What happened to you at the hands of your supposed lover, is heartbreaking and of course, you're wounded and feel that you never want to set yourself up for that kind of hurt and disappointment again.

I have helped many people through a relationship breakup, Kaitlyn, and they have lived to tell the tale. You will survive as well and one day, you will be ready to love again, but you will be wiser for having walked through this experience because it will help you to see what love is and what it is not.

Tell yourself the truth about your relationship breakup

First of all, no matter how much it hurts, you have to recognize that this man was telling tales. He did not love you or he would have followed through on his promises to you. Every time you pine for him, every time you see him with his ex, you need to tell yourself the truth: He never loved me. This is how you will learn to accept reality and acknowledge that although he said the right words, he didn't have the feelings to back them up.

I wish I could tell you that getting over this relationship breakup will be easy, but we both know that it will not. The feeling of being in love releases dopamine in the brain and neuroscientists of late have compared this to an addictive state. This means that on some level, our brains crave the sensations of being in love. What you miss then is the feeling of being close to someone, of believing that this person had your back. But this guy wasn't the one because you couldn't trust him with your heart.

When there is a discrepancy between what someone says and does, you need to take a closer look. This man did exactly what he promised not to do. Ask yourself—Is this the kind of man you want to be with? Is this the kind of man you can build a lasting relationship with? Your friends know what you have yet to realize.

Be honest with yourself. Love didn't betray you, Kaitlyn, but this man did. So put your distrust where it belongs—with him. He lied to you—he betrayed you. When you see him, remind yourself of that. When you start to see him for what he is, it will be easier to let him go.

Your friends are right—you deserve much better. Forget him because he's not worth your time. Know that he will eventually make his "ex" miserable too. Focus on yourself and getting back on track. Be kind to yourself, surround yourself with good friends who you can trust to share your thoughts and feelings with and over time, you will get over him. Your brain is going to keep telling you that you miss him, but what you miss was the illusion that you were in love with someone you could entrust with your heart. Every time you find yourself missing him, remind yourself what he did to you. Remind yourself about the details of the relationship breakup and how he cut things off with you. Just keep telling yourself the truth, give yourself the time and space to heal and eventually, you'll get over him. Trust yourself and trust the process.

~ Laura Ramirez

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