Shyness and Unrequited Love
by Katrina
I'm an adult, mind you, so not a teenager, so it's embarrassing that I am so inexperienced, but I rarely date as I rarely meet people I have things in common with, and I tend to be on the shy side of things anyway. Anyhow, a few years ago, I wrote a detailed description of my perfect guy (per the Law of Attraction, the Secret, etc.), I wrote about it every day and focused on it, believed I could manifest it, etc. (Okay, I'm sure this sounds weird, but a career counselor suggested I do this to attract what I wanted in life). About 2 weeks later, I saw him. It was freaky, really bizarre, because he had all of the qualities I had described in what I wrote--physically and psychologically. I mean he was really perfect. So I thought. Was the Law of Attraction working? We were in a public place and he was several feet away from me on the other side of the room, so I didn't even notice him at first. But he noticed me. He kept looking at me and smiling. I'd look in his direction every now and then and thought: who is that guy who keeps staring at me? I wonder if he's good looking? I couldn't see him very well from that distance. As I went to leave the store, he followed me out as though smitten by me, and he was still smiling. I happened to turn around and got a closer look at him. He was the same guy I'd written about every day in my journal! Even though I'm normally very shy, I couldn't resist turning back and approaching him. He was perfect--not just in appearance but in the way he walked, the way he moved and talked, his personality, everything... So I walked up to him and started a conversation--very unusual for me! I'm shy, remember? There were sparks in the air. I could practically see them! I felt giddy and unusually happy just to be alive. It was bizarre, like something out of a movie. I just felt that I was madly in love and I didn't even know this guy. We talked for a while then our opinions seemed to clash on something--not very important really--but he gave me his phone number and I left (with his thinking that I had rejected him of course.) Problem is, I sometimes will reject a guy because my social anxiety gets high and I guess I just get too picky when I am secretly just scared of going out with the guy and getting rejected by him. Does that make sense? Probably not. To make a long story short, we never went out. I called his number but got voice mail. I didn't know what kind of message to leave--shyness, lack of dating experience, etc. So I tried calling him again a few times over a period of a couple weeks and when I couldn't reach him I finally left a message. He responded by doing the same thing to me--he waited a couple weeks before calling me back only to tell me he was busy. Was he playing a psychological game with me? Or maybe he had already forgotten about me, deciding that I had rejected him after all? Since then I've run into him by coincidence every now and then--and over a period of several years. The first couple times he turned his back on me when he saw me as though he were afraid of me. Next couple times, he glared at me and turned his back on me. Then I saw him a couple years later and he approached me a couple times on the street, said hello then walked away. It was odd. Did he want to rekindle the romance? I'd forgotten all about him, as he had hurt me, but now I started thinking about him again. Unfortunately, I had to move to a different city shortly afterward, so I don't see him anymore and had forgotten him. It's been another 2 years but, once again, something has happened to cause me to start thinking about him again. I met a guy who looked a lot like him. And of course, I fell for that guy too. But he wasn't the right guy. We really didn't have much in common. But now I'm thinking about the first guy again, as he reminded me of him. Oy vay! I wonder if I'm crazy. Is it normal to fall in love with someone you don't even really know and to still think about him even several years later? I ponder calling or e mailing him sometimes but I fear he'll just think I'm a stalker or just some needy, clingy girl. So I don't. I'm constantly approached by men I'm not interested in. The less interest I show in them, the more they seem to like me. I guess men like it when women don't show much interest in them? Yet the men I love are so elusive. Either they're too shy to talk to me or they get scared away when I show them I like them. I guess if I weren't so friggin' shy I'd have a better chance of expressing myself and attracting the guys I want. Or not. Sometimes I think guys are threatened by me because I'm intelligent so maybe they just want someone who'll giggle, hang on their every word, and, of course, sleep with them right away. I'm not much of a slut I'm afraid. But it's too late now. I'm not 18 anymore and most guys my age are married, taken. And I doubt I'll have an intense love at first sight experience again as I rarely even meet guys I have things in common with or attracted to who are still single. I guess I'll just focus on my career. Perhaps I'll have better luck on that end... Maybe if I become successful in my career I'll attract better quality people. The only men I seem to click with are gay. I honestly like gay men a lot. Why can't hetero males treat women the way gay men treat us? Anyway, this is my sad, pathetic story. I'm not only alone but I don't even meet guys who are my type. |