the guilt

by JJJ

I recently experienced a devastating break-up with my boyfriend because I confessed to cheating two months before. I wanted to be truthful because I felt like I owed it to him, even if it was too late, and I knew that I wasn't the person I was before when I had committed the action. However, the confession led to the break-up and dog-and-rabbit hunt down of every moment in our year-and-a-half long relationship. A slight misinterpretation became an enormous lie in his eyes.

I would just say that I am terribly sorry and leave, like a smart, independent person would. But he seems to be wanting me to prove myself to get him back, while simultaneously telling me that it is over for good.

Then I went away for a few weeks for some schooling I had planned long before the break up and had a series of insights, about what I should do and who I should be within myself in order to change. However, though changing is what he wanted out of me, there is no way to prove that I have from such a literal and emotional distance. He brings me in, lapsing into moments of "I love you's". Then sputtering out that I am nothing but a liar and a whore every time a small detail that would not have been an issue before arises. I do not know what to do because I love him more everyday and I am willing to pay the price for my mistakes (and almost feel like he deserves the change), but I am so wounded by the repetitive truly mean things he says mixed with the occasional nice things.

I am a changed person, though he doesn't believe me. So how do I go about proving this? Or, if I cannot prove this to him when I return, how do I go about not loving someone I am committing to changing my ENTIRE life for?


Making up and getting your ex back

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