Why Did I Kiss You?

by Bri
(IL)

I'm still confused.
I don't know if it was love or lust.
A little crush? Puppy love?
All I know, is I've never felt this way about a boy before.
My heart used to skip beats when his name came up.
My eyes would flicker every time someone would walk in the room, hoping it was him. My stomach would get butterflies when he would crack that smirk that I loved so much. And let's not forget those goosebumps, when his body would ram up against mine in an innocent hug. And the feeling of completion whenever his lips would push against mine.

***

It was a warm summer night. July 5th.
I was so angry at him because 2 days ago we were talking about how great it would be to see each other. Then the next day, the 4th, at our town parade I see him with a group of friends. Everyone, BUT him, seemed to talk to me. I made sure he knew how I felt. He had texted me first. I told him it hurt my feelings and how I didn't appreciate how he acted earlier that day. We'd had a "thing" for a good 9 months, and he still hadn't asked me out. It was starting to get to me.

But that night, July 5th, I was locked out of my house. He lives a good 5 minutes away from me, so I texted him to come outside and comfort me while I was in the dark. After begging for a half an hour, you would think an average person with a heart would come outside, but not him. Twenty minutes later, after threatening to ring his doorbell if he didn't come out (he didn't want his little brother to answer the door), he pranced out the garage door, looking as glorious as ever.

I was furious though. Not only did he ignore me, but he made me BEG to be with him while I was in the dark, locked out my house.

He came out the garage, like nothing was wrong. Made his way to me and hugged me. I didn't hug back. But I looked up at his bronze skin. Tall figure. Beautiful face that glows in the moonlight. And I melted into his body. I couldn't help myself. I smothered my face into his chest, inhaling his scent, and looked up at him. I got goosebumps, shivers, butterflies, you name it, I got it. I tried being angry. I really did. But as soon as I mention the word "mad" he slapped a nice juicy kiss on my forehead. And I was gone.

Let's just say I had gotten my first make-out. Ever. I was floating in the sky. I can't even explain. I was kissing the boy I spent all year liking, all year staring at his lips waiting, DREAMING for this moment. All year, wondering what I had that he wanted. And what he had, that could make me feel this way. I was head over heels, but I knew I couldn't let him off the hook. So I broke away from his beautiful lips, and said to him "You know, I'm still mad at you."

And he smiled. He did this mind blowing smile that gets me every single time, softened his voice, looked me in the eyes and said "Then why'd you just kiss me?"

Here I am. 10 months later, asking myself the same question. Why did I kiss you? Why did I allow you to break my heart? Fill my eyes with tears? Turn my dreams into nightmares, and flip my world upside down?

I don't know why I stayed with you so long. Because I loved you? Because I thought you loved me back? Or was I just a fool, outside, knocking on your heart? Hoping you'd walk outside and sweep me off my feet.

I'm still confused about why I kissed you.

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